How to Be Batshit Bonkers Like Blagojevich

UPDATE 2/2/09: Welcome to my readers today from Windy Citizen!

Speaking as an Illinois citizen, ever since former-Governor Rod Blagojevich's arrest in December on corruption charges, I've been sure of one thing and one thing only about the man. That surety grew almost daily as I watched every maddeningly misstepped move Herr Hair made right up until his impeachment and (I hear a chorus of angels just from writing this) his lifetime banishment from public office last week.

My confident opinion has nothing to do with Blago always wanting to have the last word, come out on top, or find some angle for personal profit. On the contrary, you could use the same words to describe a lot of politicians, especially in this Land of Lincoln we've got going here.

No, what I'm pretty sure of is something simpler and far more obvious: Rod Blagojevich is batshit bonkers. Now, no one could know that for certain except a trained psychiatric expert in bonkersosity, and I doubt Blago's hubris would ever let him get near one of those. But his actions definitely offer a good working definition of someone who should henceforth probably avoid any and all butterfly nets and rooms with soft walls and heavy locks.

No matter what we said to or about him--and that's getting to be a collective, humanity-wide we at this point--as Illinois voters, elected officials, and media observers, he always acted as if none of our input ever occurred. He did his own thing. He jogged to the rhythm of a different drummer. He did everything wrong, but for all the right reasons. At least in his head, if not in actual, three-dimensional reality.

Maybe he's faking it. I don't know. But if any other politicians out there want to go similarly bonkers to further yet another inscrutable personal aim, I've been giving the subject a lot of thought. In my humble opinion, here are the rules to follow for any politico to bring out their inner, batshit Blago:

1. Completely disengage yourself from reality. Wearing helmet hair in public for six years would be fabulous evidence of this.
2. Refuse to believe anything you hear is true unless you agree with it. If you don't agree with something you're told, it can't be true. No matter who says it to you. No matter how many times they say it. Sticking your fingers in your ears and going, "La, La, La, La," may be a helpful aid in this regard.
3. Use your own opinion and only your own opinion to judge your personal conduct.Reject all outside opinions that differ from your own. Remember, anything you don't agree with isn't true (see rule #2)--even if it's the considered opinion of the people who elected you, the people who may throw you out of office, or the people who are trying to keep you out of jail.
4. When you're arrested on federal corruption charges, make sure you're led away in a jogging suit. No one will recognize you handcuffed in the back of an F.B.I. vehicle in a jogging suit. Except newspaper photographers, but the hair's already coiffed as per rule #1, so why worry?
5. Refuse to resign.
6. Refuse to resign.
7. Refuse to resign.
8. Ignore the suggestions of an entire State legislature and the President of the United States and appoint an abject buffoon to the Senate. As per rule #3, you're not open to suggestion anyway. Well, except for those pesky voices in your head that have been screaming, "It shoulda' been me! It shoulda' been me!" since Obama won the White House.
9. Label your political detractors a shady cabal whose nefarious end is to steal your power and ram through a mythical tax increase. Which is fine, as long as they don't touch the hairbrush. Or mention all those unfunded mandates.
10. Hire high-powered attorney.
11. Ignore advice of high-powered attorney.
12. Lose high-powered attorney.
13. Replace attorney with public relations firm representing America's professional widower.
14. Believe from the bottom of your heart that appearing on a week's worth of talk shows in another state is a better defense than actually showing up at your own impeachment trial.
15. Again as per rule #2, reject the idea that when national opinion leaders like Barbara Walters and the other gals from The View treat you on live television like you're a lying sack of dog poo with no sense or morals to speak of, millions of Americans will probably follow their lead. You know, since they're national opinion leaders?
16. Beg the media for help, making sure you've already threatened, screwed, and/or pissed off the media first. Don't worry about any negative editorials that might ensue. You don't agree with them anyway so they can't be true (yet again, see rule #2) and, hey, maybe they'll use a good accompanying shot of your hair.
17. Refuse to acknowledge that the outcomes of rules #14, #15, and #16 might be due to your poor personal judgment pursuant to rules #10, #11, #12, and #13.
18. Don't bother to write your final-defense speech when you finally realize how badly your national P.R. tour backfired and, instead, ramble for 47 minutes before the appropriate tribunal of judgment that is about to levy the political death penalty on your public career.
19. When it's all said and done, continue to make public appearances telling your former constituents that you haven't let them down. Hugging a boy with a dog as you do so would make for some nice B-roll, too.
20. Above all, don't even notice at this point that no one's listening anymore.

To make rule #20 easier to pull off, best make sure you're still keeping up with rule #1--your complete disengagement from reality. If you are, you probably won't even notice all those crickets chirping.

I'm sure Blago doesn't hear them. But if I were him, I wouldn't be too quick to ignore their plaintive song. No sir. I'd sit down with them and campaign, maybe propose an unfunded mandate to offer their larvae a free health plan. I mean, you've got to start over somewhere. Small steps. Small steps.

After all, it's not like we're ever going to believe, respect, or elect your lying sack of shit, fully disingenuous, totally self-serving, morally bankrupt, enormously power-crazed, and in all likelihood borderline sociopathic heinous ass in this State again. Oops, was that my outside voice?

Yes.