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Cast of Characters


(Photo: Comings and goings across our busy community crosswalk. Market Street from the Ferry Terminal, on my April 2006 visit to San Francisco.)

This list will grow on a regular basis.

(Updated: June 27, 2009) Since June 2005, many people have passed through the pages of CHICAGO CARLESS. Friends and acquaintances, bloggers and colleagues, dates and dunderheads, I generally pseudonym them all. Lightly for the upstanding individuals I continue to be honored to have in my life. Heavily for the abject idiots I can do without but by whom I’d rather not be sued.

To help you keep track of ’em all, here’s an A-to-Z guide to this blog’s ongoing Cast of Characters, with a synopsis for each and a link to a Google search that will pull up every CHICAGO CARLESS post where they appear.

If I’ve left anyone out, let me know. If you’d like to be left out, you probably should have remembered those three magic words my loved ones have come to rely on over the past few years…

Off the record.”

The Anonymous Lectern: A local investigative journal creeping towards the blogosphere that hopefully no longer believes 60 days is an appropriate lag time between posts.

The Beev: Communications director for a local environmental organization. Noted for the non-ironically intended verbal malaprop, “I’d really like to see a good beaver picture.”

Ben Helpinghand: Executive director of a community garden land trust. Changes clothes throughout workday due to whims of fashion, not whiffs of mulch.

Big Rod: The penis of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, which I interviewed in October 2007. See also Little Caesar.

Café Kasey: Seattle barista and half of the second cool out-of-town duo trying Chicago on for size. May still be on way. See also John Dramatist.

Camões, the Portuguese Danger Cat: Trusty feline companion, owned my space as soon as he came out of box from shelter in 2000 at two months old. Named after classical Portuguese poet Luis Camões.

Cincinnati Jamie: Noted national graphic designer who once uttered the words, “We’re in no immediate danger,” moments before every tornado siren in Chicago began to sound.

Dahlman: Arch-enemy Marina City blogger. Fancies self a.) newsman and b.) ladies man. I always have the nagging urge to brush his hair.

Devyn: Former boyfriend of two years. Now New Yorker, via Chicago, Seattle, Portland, and Sacramento. The most talented urban photographer ever. Seriously.

Diva Filipina: Fellow a.) balls-to-the-wall memoir blogger and b.) Eleanor Rigbyish-soul.

Doctor Dementia: Local physician and former pseudo-boyfriend who developed a case of terminal closetedness shortly before disappearing in a giant cloud of narcissism.

Emily Tastykakes: See Hoosierella.

Gay O.J.: Suburban professional and Oak Park coffee klatsch regular who learned the hard way that trying to outrun the Wisconsin police back to Illinois down I-94 on a suspended license is a felony.

Gino Vesuvius: Once and former date. Anger issues that scared my anger issues.

Great Kate: Marina City lobby “couch lady” who’s lived in the corncobs since the Indians were defeated at Fort Dearborn.

Hip Suburban Chick Val: Best straight friend (lead hag) and Loop office manager. Professionally still waters run publicly deep when off clock. Mission to get her partnered before death. Hers or mine.

Hoosierella: Nonprofit professional dragged from the Midwest for school in Pennsylvania. Dragged back by the career necessities of a husband whose services you don’t want to need after a car accident.

“I Don’t Freaking Look Like Margaret Cho” Rozella: Best Chicago Friend from 2004 to 2007. Famous for the words, “You’re only the second white person I’ve ever seen eat kimchi chigae like that.”

John Dramatist: Seattle actor and half of the second cool out-of-town duo trying Chicago on for size. May still be on way. See also Café Kasey.

Little Caesar: Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. See also Big Rod.

Mattcountant: Marina City neighbor with hit-and-run sense of humor and killer view. Holds his liquor better than I do. Frequently.

Matt Fabulous: Style-forward co-owner of Cincinnati’s über-cool home-design store, High Street.

Mikey the Stickler: Perpetually single Forest Park homemaker and Oak Park coffee klatsch semi-regular. Infamous for driving ex-boyfriends into therapy.

Mitchum Man: Filmmaker and former next door neighbor driven out by the overnight hammering of our common upstairs neighbor. See Mr. Shnozzle.

Mr. New Guy: See Doctor Dementia.

Mr. Shnozzle: Locally famous architecture professor and sculptor. Doubled as obnoxious upstairs neighbor for one year. Earned the portmanteau of “douche” + “nozzle” as monicker by frequently working on art pieces with hammers. At two in the morning.

Muir Woods: Poobah of an independent real estate firm at Marina City. Potential local kingmaker by dint of holding owner proxies. Loves cats.

My Portuguese Friend José (That’s “joe-ZAY”): Former New York best friend whose incessant yammering about his native Portugal led me to learn the language, spend weeks in Lisbon, and fall in love with all things Lusophonic. Once including him.

The Out-of-Towners: New Yorkers Adam and Vikci, the original cool out-of-town couple trying Chicago on for size. Settled for Brooklyn.

Pastry Chef Chris: Best gay friend (lead gay), former boyfriend, and Oak Park coffee klatsch regular. Famous for holiday parties to put Martha Stewart to shame. Longtime Oak Park resident finally moved into the big city in summer 2009.

Pimp Dentist: Marina City’s now-incarcerated former board member, dentist, and abettor of interstate prostitution ring, Gary Kimmel. Brunt of limerick, bereft of real estate.

Plankmaker: Mennonite, social-justice academic, and former colleague. Family man. Loved flirting with me why…?

Proud Mary: Marina City lobby “couch lady” who’s lived in the corncobs since the Indians were defeated at Fort Dearborn.

Robert to Trot: Former fellow downtowner who decamped to the pastureland of Lakeview due to the New Depression. Famous for bottomless libido and endless box of Rid products.

Sole Man Donn: Ohio transplant with a heart beyond measure and a shoe fetish to match.

Sonny: See Doctor Dementia.

Tony Toni: Alarmingly verbose but lovable retired Cincinnati flight attendant and committed resident of Over-the-Rhine.

Vanity Vince: Once and former dinner companion. Noted for breathless evening of speed dating involving four cabs, three neighborhoods, and questionable advance planning.

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