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Rime of the Pimp Dentist

There once was a dentist named Gary,
Whose teeth were so white it was scary,
But he had a Secret,
And he couldn’t keep it,
So now he has need to be wary.

So Gary Kimmel was sentenced to prison today and Marina City’s just fine without him.  Since January 2006, there’s been neither rhyme nor reason to explain the actions of the former Marina City condo board member. After his arrest and indictment that month on charges of money laundering in connection with a national prostitution ring operated out of several of his Marina City condo units, stupefied corncob residents took to the age-honored task of trying to render reason through rime on the then-newly debuted Marina City Watchdog blog.

A dentist whose woes had got deeper,
Knew his condos could not be a keeper,
He barely had closed when
His assets were frozen,
He bought high–the feds sold them cheaper.

As a fellow stupefied corncobber, for more than a year I followed the sleazy story in these virtual pages. From the collective shock that reverberated up and down all 120 combined floors of 300 North State Street (Marina Slutty, “Like 9/11 with Hookers”) to the condo board’s secretive circling of the wagons (Kimmelgate Update: No Rudder, Sinking Fast), from revealing the details of the U.S. Department of Justice complaint to opining wistfully on how things are done in less-infamous condo towers (John Hancock: How the Other Half Lives), I tried to keep up with the story.

After the collective interviews with me and other residents conducted by Chicago Magazine for an exposé on Kimmel appearing later that year (How I Helped Chicago Magazine Pimp Gary Kimmel), it all got to be a bit too much.  Next thing you knew Marina City was suing Marina City, fellow indictees were making the contours of the case a bit too revealing (“Some of my best girls were minors…”), and the initial shock had morphed right through outrage at Kimmel and the condo board into stiff resignation and forlorn that in our beloved, historic high-rise home scandal had become status quo.

A dentist with pimps did conspire,
So the feds asked his friends “wear a wire”,
Though he lives in a tower,
And once had great power,
Now everyone knows he’s a liar.

In my stead, the upstanding scribes over at Marina City Online took up the stressful baton of Kimmel coverage, reporting in May 2008 that, as many had long suspected would happen, Kimmel finally pleaded guilty.  As told by the rumor mill, by that point his apartments had already been sold off by the feds and his family was in shambles.  I expressed sympathy at the time, although I found it odd that after two years Kimmel continued to walk around Marina City common areas as if nothing at all were wrong.

As reported by the Chicago Tribune and Marina City Online this afternoon, the other shoe has dropped–and with a whisper-quiet thud at that.  After almost three years of foolishness, Gary Kimmel’s sentencing today to three years in federal prison was remarked on almost in the manner of a footnote by local media.  It’s a harsh comeuppance when someone formerly of good reputation doesn’t even merit notice for their bad reputation anymore.

I doubt anyone here will miss Kimmel.  At least, not anyone without a seat on the condo board.  As a longtime resident, though, I’m fairly if unfortunately pretty sure that before long these towers will come up with something to top even the most disgraceful of scandals. Like Gary Kimmel.

It’s a moral to make Kimmel shiver:
Immorality’s left him a sliver
Of pride, name, or nerve,
But brought what he deserves–
Serving 36 months up the river.

Categories: Best Of Chicago Carless Gary Kimmel Scandal Marina City

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Mike Doyle

I’m an #OpenlyAutistic gay, Hispanic, urbanist, Disney World fan, New York native, politically independent, Jewish blogger in Chicago. I believe in social justice, big cities, and public transit. I write words and raise money for nonprofits. I’ve written this blog since 2005. And counting...

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4 replies

  1. The new plan the dentist enacted
    brought in hookers, but neighbors reacted
    with screams and with shouts
    Wisdom teeth, they found out,
    Weren’t the only things being impacted

  2. I got a laugh today reading the story & thinking about all your blogging. Suddenly, I got an inspiration to pen, “Kimmel the Dentist Pimp–a New Musical.” Hell, if they can make a musical out of Jerry Springer, just think of the fun had with this material. In Mel Brooks fashion, chorus girls wearing skimpy dental hygienist outfits come out and sing an opening number, “He Keeps a Drillin’ While We Get a Fillin’.” A scene or two later, a Pam Zekman style character comes out and sings, “Chicago, Has a Whorehouse in It,” with residents peering out of their doors following, “…Filthy dark details, and carnal lust…”

    Then I thought of an even better contribution; an article in the Wall Street Journal titled, “Sex for Dentistry: Effective Barter Techniques in the New American Economy.”

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