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Sarah Palin’s Inner Acceptance Speech

(Photo: Sarah Palin goes to her happy place during her GOP acceptance speech.)

I admit it.  I watched Sarah Palin’s acceptance speech tonight for the Republican vice-presidential nomination.  At first I couldn’t believe anyone could deliver such insipid, jingoistic remarks with any sincerity.

Then I realized, given the scrutiny she’s been under lately, what with the stress of the coming grandbaby and all, there had to be a little voice in the back of her head somewhere, doubting, wondering if the small-town girl from Wasillia really had the chops to be become President when–oops, I mean if–John McCain drops dead in office before 2012.

They say there are two sides to every story.  I give you my interpretation of the inner voice inside Sarah Palin’s head during her acceptance speech…

Palin: “I accept the challenge of a tough fight.”
Inner Voice: “I’m screwed.”

Palin: “A year ago the pundits overlooked the caliber of Senator McCain.”
Inner Voice: “And I overlooked the boy crawling in my kid’s window.”

Palin: “We’re close to victory in Iraq.”
Inner Voice: “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

Palin: “In April we welcomed a perfect baby boy named Trig.”
Inner Voice: “From the midwife who ripped him out of Bristol.”

Palin: “Our family is three boys and two girls in between.”
Inner Voice: “I hope I counted Trig right.”

Palin: “Two decades and five children later, Todd’s still my guy.”
Inner Voice: “Damm, 1, 2, 3, 4, oh ok, 5.”

Palin: “I grew up with those people.”
Inner Voice: “I want to get out of Alaska for a reason.”

Palin: “You can be certain wherever he goes, John McCain is the same man.”
Inner Voice: “Until the hip replacement.”

Palin: “I’m going to Washington to serve the people of this great country.”
Inner Voice: “Tea and cookies”.

Palin: “I’ll carry that spirit with me as Vice-President of the United States.”
Inner Voice: “The Holy Spirit.”

Palin: “I got rid of a few things I didn’t think our citizens should have to pay for.”
Inner Voice: “Condoms and family planning brochures.”

Palin: “As governor I insisted on competition and basic fairness.”
Inner Voice: “Just not if you marry my sister.”

Palin: “When a hurricane strikes in the Gulf of Mexico…”
Inner Voice: “I wish I had an atlas.”

Palin: “Drilling will not solve our problems.”
Inner Voice: “Just ask my daughter.”

Palin: “We need American energy produced by American workers.”
Inner Voice: “Row, bitches, row.”

Palin: “When the cloud of rhetoric has passed…”
Inner Voice: “I’m gonna get shredded in the morning.”

Palin: “John McCain will use his career to promote change.”
Inner Voice: “The stress of the Presidency will probably kill him.”

Palin: “Our nominee doesn’t run with the Washington herd.”
Inner Voice: “His doctor won’t let him.”

Palin: “The majority leader can’t stand up to John McCain.”
Inner Voice: “Because you’re supposed to respect your elders.”

Palin: “John McCain, the kind of name you find on war memorials.”
Inner Voice: “And probably a headstone before 2012.”

Palin: “For a lifetime, John McCain has inspired with his deeds.”
Inner Voice: “If he dies in office, does that make me Queen?”

Palin: “Thank you, and God Bless America!”
Inner Voice: “Thank you, and Jesus Bless America!”

Looking at it this way, I feel I know Palin a bit better now.  If only they’d let her inner voice write her speeches, it would sure save us all that lag time between interpretation and rolling of the eyes.

By all, I mean those of us, Democrat and Republican, who realize America is not a synonym for Jesus Happy War Gun Land.  Your interpretation on that, of course, may vary. This is America, after all.

At least so far…

Categories: Politics

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Mike Doyle

I’m an #OpenlyAutistic gay, Hispanic, urbanist, Disney World fan, New York native, politically independent, Jewish blogger in Chicago. I believe in social justice, big cities, and public transit. I write words and raise money for nonprofits. I’ve written this blog since 2005. And counting...

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4 replies

  1. Pingback: The Golden Ticket
  2. Bravo! And might I humbly embellish:

    Palin: “You can be certain wherever he goes, John McCain is the same man.”
    Inner Voice: “With a different wife when the one he’s got no longer suits his needs. Wait, should I be worried?”

    Palin: “Two decades and five children later, Todd’s still my guy.”
    Inner Voice: “Which means — Bristol, you hateful little cow — shotgun marriages can last, so there!”

    Palin: “Thank you, and God Bless America!”
    Inner Voice: “I wonder if I should start doing my hair like those Texas polygamist wives?”

    And then, of course, there’s Cindy McCain’s inner voice throughout the whole week: “Who are these white trash hillbillies, and why are they ruining my coronation?”

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