(Photo: Don’t believe everything in print–especially if it’s printed at Marina City. Credit: Steven Dahlman.)

I am a glutton for punishment.  I have the evidence to prove it: this week I signed my fourth lease for life in my Marina City high-rise home.

I guess I got complacent.  We no longer mark our calendars by monthly garbage-chute fires and seasonal multi-floor floods.  And pimp dentist Gary Kimmel–no longer alleged thanks to his recent guilty plea–should be exiting the corncobs in leg shackles any minute now.  I admit, part of me was hoping maybe, just maybe the high-rise drama was finally going on hiatus.

Then I got this flyer slipped under my door.

“With the closing of Crunch Fitness the Marina Towers Condominium Association needs to have some hard facts to study with respect to developing it’s [sic] own exercise facility.”

As I pondered the missing and misplaced punctuation, I realized one thing hadn’t changed.  The condo office staff still hasn’t mastered the finer points of Microsoft Word.

“If you believe the association should not spend money on a [sic] exercise facility check here.”

Namely, the spelling and grammar-check features.  I’d like to give them some slack here.  For once in three years, Draper & Kramer’s lobby level Fantastic Four aren’t being called on to unfurl firehoses, join a bucket brigade, or greet the F.B.I.  After all that unfortunate action, it’s no wonder they need a rest.  And if those hardy boys and belles down there are using Vista, why, it’s a wonder they can get their electric abaci to work at all.

“Circle the equipment you think MUST be in a satisfactory exercise facility: recumbant [sic] bike, eliptical [sic] trainer, dumb [sic] bells, bar [sic] bells, full compliment [sic] of muslce [sic] building machines…”

Still, why they don’t proofread is anybody’s guess.

“What in your mind entails a satisfactory exercise facility…circle the right answers please.”

Easy there, tiger.  What happens to me if I circle the wrong ones?   I don’t know what equipment constitutes a satisfactory exercise facility, but as I continued down the flyer, I did start making a mental note of the skillset I think ought to constitute an acceptable H.R. screening.

“What would discourage you the most from using an in-house exercise facility, from 1 being your biggest hate to 7 being your least gripe?”

I mean, how do you explain wooden language like that?  Off-shore outsourcing?  Could be. Last night while I was perusing Fail Blog, the Internet’s treasure trove of archived human foolishness, I came across this photo of a bilingual Chinese-English billboard. According to the English ad copy, the product being hawked is “Translate Server Error”.

Then again, maybe it’s just a gratuitous lack of attention to detail. That particular hobgoblin of consistency has reared its ugly head all too often during my 36 months in the land of the circular hallway.  Immediately coming to mind:

• My futon deliveryman almost being arrested in the loading dock because the office forgot to tell the House of Blues security detail to expect a weekend delivery.
• Me being threatened with a fine for not having given building staff a house key–the same house key building staff had previously copied for me from their original.
• The assistant property manager telling me I was lying that a contractor had come to inspect my heat detector and threatening to fine me if I didn’t let him back in–the same handyman who had already come, inspected, recorded his notes, called the office, and made a 10-minute call to his girlfriend all while still standing on the ladder in my apartment.

That lunacy of that last one’s my favorite.  I know I’ll laugh about it someday.  You know, once Camoes the Portuguese Danger Cat has gone to kitty heaven and I’m living in the Hancock.

For now, I’ll just grin and bear it.  But I know it’s just a matter of time before another faux pas, foible, or outright failure rises up from the depths of Marina City with enough addled fervor to make 1,500 residents roll their eyes in unison.  I’m pretty sure the wait won’t be long.

“Additional Survey’s [sic] and Meetings are likely to follow.”

Thanks for the warning.  I’ll be sure to [sic] them out.

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