Top-10 Favorite Phrases of the Emotionally Constipated

(Photo: Chicago’s famous Ukranian Village “Shit Fountain”. For obvious reasons.)

For weeks now I’ve wanted to go there, against the better counsel of friends not the least of whom is Damned-to-the-Suburbs hip chick Val (“really, Michael, it’s not really necessary”). Hmm…what to do, then, when you’re still angry over your break-up, and you’re an opinionated native New Yorker, to boot?

In this case, take your advice elsewhere. Stick me in the Pema Chodron school: it’s permissible to be pissed when you’re pissed.

And I’m still pissed.

So with that in mind, the bitchy Buddhist in me presents the top-10 favorite phrases of the emotionally constipated–and their translation into truer terms.

These phrases were repeated to me many times in the past couple of years, and not just by the one person who you may think uttered them all (I prefer to think of this post as an homage in pastiche, myself). Should you hear these phrases from friends or loved ones, my considered advice is to run. Fast.

Though of course, if you have a blog, take notes, first…

The Top-10 Favorite Phrases of the Emotionally Constipated

10. Best friend? I don’t like to think in those terms.

(Translation: I am secretly in love with my best friend).

9. I like to compartmentalize people, doesn’t everyone?
(Translation: I will never, ever, ever let you in).

8. Don’t you think you should reconsider whether it really isn’t all your fault?
(Translation: I blame myself for other people’s neuroses).

7. Once I got over him five years ago, I never thought of him again, the fucker…
(Translation: I have no clue about my own neuroses).

6. No, really, I’m over it.
(Translation: I am so not over it).

5. I love separate vacations.
(Translation: Well, from you).

4. I’ll deal with it in my own time.
(Translation: I will be dragged to my grave with fingernails clawing into the earth just so that I don’t ever have to deal with it).

3. I know everyone thinks 12-step is a big cult…
(Translation: I am about to use 12-step to justify being an asshole to you).

2. I know you’re unhappy, but I’m so tired of hearing about your life.
(Translation: Can we talk about me, now?).

And finally, the #1, favorite phrase of the emotionally constipated…

1. I already told you I loved you once today, you know the rule.
(Translation: None needed).

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I’ll take a dish of cream with that if you’ve got it.

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